have you ever seen someone from the past
that one person that you'd thought you'd lost
and had a million buried feelings and memories
come rushing back like a flood?

That one person that makes you doubt your judgment
that same judgment you used when you said those words
"I can't be with you."

Have you ever seen that one person that left
and wondered what would have happened
if that day didn't?

Why did he have to come back into my life?
everything was going so well....

Wow. So I just found out that I guy I knew and used to like, died last october. I didn't know for so long, and if feels like someone kicked me in the stomach now. I remember thinking about him, and wondering why he hadn't talked to me in so long. Now I feel like hell for not knowing. Why are people taken too early?

BWAHAHAHA! Me, Caity, and Glo-baby are starting a society for nerdums. It all started one day when we ditched 7th hour because we got our calzones late. One myspace bullitin started it all.

The Movie:



The most intense movie we have all seen ever. It has started a revolution. We have decided to make it a tradition to watch any movie that is not of the norm either at lunch or after school most days. We are about to start recuiting. This week should be 50's suspense movies and japanese horror flicks. you don't even know how entertaining it is to sit in a room with obscure people and watch movies that we all understand for odd reasons.

Mind blowing? I do believe so

Wow, That's all I can say. I'm speechless. I hate this so much. Why can't I be her, or someone not me. They fall in love and stay there. I wander and run into lust everywhere. It's like a drug now. I replace what I want with something else because I can't stand being alone. You hear that world?! I am sick, tired, bitter and alone. I ease it with a night with someone that means nothing then I move on. I wanna settle down. Not be alone in my bed every night or have a different face everytime. I want one, just one person I know will be next to me every night. One person that knows me and my body in and out. I want a best friend by day and romance by night. I'd give anything for that kind of someone in my life. They're not here so I continue to wander and give into that drug of lust and too much influence. It's life as of now.

I guess I'm single because I'm afraid. I don't want to get close to anyone because it always ends in tragedy. I don't want to be hurt again, so I isolate myself. I'm bitter and alone because I know what will happen if I try again. I wish I would try but that pain is never worth it. All realtionships are the same. No one has ever proved that wrong to me. I'm second rate and they treat me that way. I can't do that anymore so I stay depressed and alone. It's kinda like being in my own little world. I make up excuses on why we can't be anything but the truth is because I'm scared. I won't love you or like you because I know you'll hurt me. I put up a wall, at first it was to see who could knock it down but now it's really to keep everyone out. I'm that afraid. I won't knock it down and I won't let anyone else do it either. I feel like a puppy that's been kicked too many times. I'll lash out at any threat. Maybe I deserve to be alone, that seems to be the only explination for this misery.

It's now 2007 and because I didn't make any last year
I'm going to this year
AND DO THEM
here they are:

1. quit smoking ciggs

2. get closer with my family

3. tone up

4. pay more attention in school

5. no more casual sex

There they are
smack me if I break any of these.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every section of the movie, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

Opening Credits:
Plain White Tee's- Hate (I Really Don't Like You)

Waking Up:
Cartel- If I Fail

First Day at School:
Blood Brothers- Love Ryhmes with Hideous Car Wreck

Falling in Love:
Coheed and Cambria- Wake Up [[perfect]]

Fight Song:
The Acadmy Is...- Black Mamba

Breaking Up:
Senses Fail- Buried a Lie

Prom:
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- Your Gaurdian Angel

Life’s Okay:
Christina Agularia- Beautiful [[LMFAO]]

Mental Breakdown:
Eyes Set to Kill- This Love you Breathe

Driving:
Augustana- Boston

Flashback:
Say Anything- Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too [[I'm a pervert...]]

Getting Back Together:
The Early November- Sunday Drive

Wedding:
Death Cab for Cutie- I'll Follow You Into the Dark [[awwwwwww]]

Birth of a Child:
Brand New- Sic Transit Gloria Glory Fades

Final Battle:
Hollywood Undead- No.5 [[HAHAH I love it]]

Funeral Song:
Saosin- 7 Years [[wow weird...]]

End Credits:
Kill Hanna- Raining All the Time [[my movie is depressing...]]

Is it just me or is cuddling and making out the most sensual thing you can do? I love it and so many people don't. I rather do that then almost anything else. People don't seem to understand how powerful a kiss is. It's like the closest two souls can get; a connection between two people. It's one of those things that can never go bad, if it's with someone you really desire. Nothing is better then that electrifying kiss that you can feel though your entire body as soon as your lips touch. That is a perfect moment. Time slows down and no one else matters except for that person and that kiss. Maybe I'm just romanticizing a simple kiss, but never have I felt more complete and loved then when engaged in that simple kiss.

Why do I put everything off till the last miniute?! I went Christmas shopping today at Chandler Mall...that was a NIGHTMARE. I ended up spending 80 bucks on myself cause I didn't know what anyone wanted. I'll just make them mix CD's and a hemp something. I can't believe it's almost Christmas, it honestly snuck up on me this year.

So my biological dad decided he wants to see me tomorrow, I donno if I can handle it. I haven't seen him in close to a year and well I honestly have nothing to say to him. He knows how I feel and how I hate what he did to me. I guess he'll have to do all the talking, he's never had a problem with that. I'll just smile and wait for him to leave.

I don't understand why some boys that I love dearly choose to be with certian girls that have hurt them so badly. They should have the world but they chose the bitch that cheats on them countless times. I hate seeing them hurt but I guess some people just want to be misrable. Whatever, it's their life, not mine. I'll just sit here and wait for them to find out about another boy at another party where alcohol made her clothes magically fall off. Just a good friend, the one they vent to, nothing more.

I guess I just need a change. I need something amzing to happen. I don't really care what I just want something big. Meeting an amazing boy or a new great friend would be perfect. I love new people same as I love old. I guess I just want to meet someone that wants to spend time with me. Not as a last resort thing but just because they can. Wow just started going into self loathing mode so I'm going to end this. Happy Holidays everyone. I hope you get what you want.

I HATE FINALS! You know you're fucking stressed when you wake up and feel drained. I have so much shit I need to do that I haven't done because I don't know what the hell to do with it. I have a chior thingy due on wednesday but tonight and tomorrow night I have concerts so I have no idea how i'm going to do that. I have a project due in English, low and behold I haven't read the book because I read it in 7th. I'm going to fail French because my teacher is 100% bonkers. I suck shit at Biology. The only two classes I'm not worried about are Sociology and Geometry. I know what I have to do in those classes and I actually go to them. Ugh I donno what I'm going to do. The most wonderful time of the year my ass.

So I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I couldn't help but to touch my face and make sure that it was really me that was staring back. It's pretty crazy how much I've changed. I used to be the fat girl now I'm the girl that walks by and everyone does a double take. I love it. I hated being so ugly and now I'm gorgeous. I have never felt so beautiful in my life and I know that I have a reason to be.

I hate not knowing what I want. He's so perfect but I can't do it. I guess I should just be single for a while. I need time for myself, to figure out what I want. All I really need are my friends and I'm happy that they're always there for me, but, as always, I want more.

I want someone to want me all the time and for me to feel the same. I want that one kind of teenage love where people see you together and smile because they can tell how crazy we are about each other. I want that person that sends tingles up and down my spine everytime we touch. I donno, I miss being with the only boy that did that to me. It's been two years now and I still love him as much as I did. I can never get him back though. He has his life and I have mine. He was my life and I fucked it all up. Whatever, that's what I get.

School has been interesting. Mainly drama, hookups, breakups, fights, backstabbers, shit talking: I guess they don't get it. Being popular is not what life is about. Life is about love. As Ghandi once said "Where there is love there is love," and that still rings true today, forever and always. Why waste your time getting angry with the people you dislike? If you think that low about them don't waste that energy on them. Let it go and get on with your life. Focus on the people you love.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I had goals but a lot of it seems so fake or unrealistic now. I only want to do two things for the rest of my life. I want to sing and write. That is real joy. Not some stuffy office with an asshole boss. I want the intensity of a good poem or the dynamics of an amazing song. I have passion and skill but I tend to be the only one that thinks so. I could never make it big. You don't need talent anymore just a pretty face and a 00 pant size, so I'm screwed. I'll just do what I love for me, and hope someone else feels the same way.

Hmm, it's been a while since I've written anything down in here...odd. Okay well I guess I should catch anyone who really cares to read this up. I'm finally bringing my grades back up after a long hard first quarter in which I failed almost everything. School is close to a waste of time because I irk most of my teachers to the point of referrals. I don't learn anything when my teacher tells me that I'm going to hell. I already know that and I know she'll be bothering me there too.

I've lost a few people in these past months and it's been extremely hard on me, my friends, and my family. A few of my friends have lost family or friends and I guess I feel with and for them about it. I have had losses of my own. Loren left us on October 29th which really shook the entire Tempe district. It was really hard for me because of how young and amazing he was. Plus recently my sister-in-law lost her baby Adien to SIDS. It's been really hard on my family because we're very close to that family that it's hard to say in-law when describing them. I guess it's just a hard spot in my life.

Boys suck each others dicks when girls aren't looking. I've come to that final conclusion. They don't seem to get that what they say and do can hurt people severely. I guess I'm just sick of being cheated on. I'm with someone extremely important to me but I still have those nagging doubts in the back of my mind. I guess when you've been told your nothing for so long you really start to believe it. I wish I could say that I am worth what I'm told but the echos from the past won't fade out. I guess I'm having a hard time adjusting to who I am now.

In summary my life is crazy. Love, life and loss are always there. It's not easy but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my life, its roller coaster ride keeps me craving more. I don't want anything to change, or maybe I want things to keep changing so it does stay the same. Yeah, that makes sense. Without it's constant change I'd be lost. My life is no where near boring and I'm always ready for the next loop.

you know the feeling you get when you get hit in the stomach really hard
the one where it feels like nothing's there at first then just sharp pain
I seemt to get the same thing when I lose people
I lost two very important people to me in a matter of days
it destroys me from the inside to the out
I never really thought I cared that much about it
until I sat down and examind my life
I guess I really just wanna go back
to the part where everything was fine
I want to say sorry
and say how much they mean to me
but I can't
it's too late for that now
I really screwed up again
Not as much as I could have
but enough to make me hurt
I really wish I could say all the things I couldn't form into words until now
all the sentences of how much I really cared and how it did hurt to lose them
I don't know anymore
but I do know that I can't waste my breath on trying to bring them back
it's a lost cause now
I lost them
one was my own fault
and the other was no one's fault
I just wish I could have said something in the short time they were around
I guess what I'm trying to say with this almost random babbling is that
you don't really know what you have until it's gone
and you have to tell people how much they really mean to you because life is too short to keep it in
and if you truely care for them, they deserve to know that they have someone that would be there no matter what
I wish I had the courage to say that I did love them
and that they ment more then they were credited for.

today has been the worst day of my life
worse then when I ODed and had to see my mother so hurt
worse then the day my dad left
worse then the day my papa died

I had my granda's funeral
my, now ex boyfriend, has been planning to break up with me
My parents and I are still fighting
My grandma won't last long without my Granda


I haven't felt like this in forever
I want to let go
My future is so promising but I don't want to wait
I don't want to deal with the pain of losing everything all at once

I have my best friends and my mommy
they're the reason I won't let go
I can't give up
I need them and they need me

I'm giving up on everyone else
you all can suck my fucking clit

All I Really Need to Know

Everyone always goes through life wondering what they need to know to live a full and beautiful life. We get too technical by thinking we need to know everything. If you really think about it, most people were the happiest when they were a toddler or kindergartner. Honestly, have you ever met a depressed toddler? I know I haven't, that's why I decided that all I really need to know I learned from my 3 year old niece Daija. These are the things she has taught me:


Watching Spongebob every night before bed makes pleasant dreams.
Crying and making a fuss will get you out of almost anything.
Throwing the food you haven't eaten to the dog fixes two empty tummies.
Dancing, even without music, is always fun.
Laugh every chance you get.
Blow kisses at everyone when ever you leave.
Whine to daddy or grandpa every time you want something because the odds of them doing are much higher then the odds of mommy or grandma doing it.
Taking naps every afternoon gives you more energy to play at night.
Running around in your underwear is much more comfortable then clothes.
And, finally, no matter how old you get, daddy will always be your knight in shining armor.


Happiness is simple to achieve. Life is too short to worry about things that aren't really that important. Be yourself, and love everyone. We get too caught up in materialistic things, when all we need is love and fun. Everyone can be happy by just acting young again. Learn from the younger generation. The simplicity keeps them happy, why not you too?

pulls your heartstrings every which way
but you let it
because you cannot see yourself without that person
they've become a part of you
and you'll endure anything with him or her
that's how much they mean to you

love is pure bliss
no matter how much it tears you apart due to petty fights
you are completley consumed with the addiction of love
can't go very long without it's touch or taste
it means life or death to you
blood, sweat, and tears just for sweet, sweet love
damn emotions